In 1988 David Moscow starred in a movie. David’s character did something very interesting in this movie. He grew, overnight, into his co-star; Tom Hanks. A feat made possible by way of Zoltan, a carnival arcade granter of wishes. David’s character, Josh, after feeling rejected by a romantic interest in favor of a more mature looking boy and after being shunned from one of the carnival rides for not meeting the minimum height requirement, wishes for Zoltan to make him big. With the wish granted, the man-child antics ensue.
Though a charming movie at best and easily eclipsed by Tom Hanks’ more Oscar-worthy efforts, I have always been struck by the specificity of Josh’s wish. He does not ask to be older, he asks to be bigger. Perhaps unwilling to chance age alone granting him the size he truly wanted. He asks not to be older but to be big and ends up with both.
Too old to beat-up those that may have bullied him without being arrested and having grown and aged so fast that his mother thinks he is an intruder and runs him out of the house, his house; older and larger but unchanged mentally, Josh enters the world as a seemingly fully-formed adult. Appearing old enough to pursue all the freedom’s of adulthood but not yet bold enough to do more than overindulging in snack foods.
Fantastical as it is to have it be granted, the wish itself is not original to the film and is actually a wish made by many, if only to ourselves. From Skeelo to growth hormone; from breast enlargements to penis pumps and pills, young Josh is not alone in his desire to change his body; to make it bigger.
This desire is the sibling of the slightly more popular wish to be smaller if not simply small. From exercise to diet pills, from liposuction to juice cleanses the wish to be smaller has been spoken to many full-length mirrors with far less power to grant them than Zoltan.
Side note, is there any other object that absorbs more insecure scorn and or narcissistic gushing than the full length mirror? The full-length has obviously seen a lot but has probably heard even more.
Though obviously not universal, it is understood that these sibling desires are brother and sister with each echoing the sole mantra of each respective gender. Which begs the question, why does our culture emphasize the importance of both boys and men expanding themselves while girls and women are encouraged to reduce? I fear the answer is both cyclical and ironic. The importance of men being bigger is to help further separate themselves from women. The inverse is also true in regards to women. The greatest and most enduring and abiding insult our culture has cultivated is for someone to possess the attributes of the opposing gender. Sadly, the slight male and bulky female are both targets for second looks at best and violent attacks at worst.
Taking this into consideration, perhaps Josh’s wish takes on another dimension. Was Josh, given the perceived standards of our society, simply asking to be more male? Please bear in mind that a smoothly waxed actor was not chosen for Big Josh but instead it was the bristled and masculine physique of a barely 30 year old Tom Hanks.
The pursuit of these gendered ideals makes it easy to filter ambitions to a single word, big or small. But both, even if granted, even if earned by natural, non-invasive means, have consequences. Though no immunity is necessarily granted to the mediums of this world, it is important to acknowledge what is on the other side of solemn wishes made in carnival arcades and dressing rooms alike.
Some may approach Zoltan with the desire to be less of the sex they are but is there anything as familiar and futile as a boy or girl wanting to be more of what they already are? The boy that wants to be big wants freedom. This is why in every car commercial, the bigger the vehicle the more open deserted space that car is roaming in. Space is freedom, desolation is rugged freedom. And the ultimate freedom, the most comforting freedom is to be free of scorn, judgment and ridicule. For men, in this time and place, masculinity insulates from such threats. The bigger the insulation the better the protection. Josh asks to be big because for boys and even men, the smaller you are, the bigger target you become.
As a man that was once a boy that saw the movie Big and as a slight boy with ambitions of being relieved of such a disappointingly light burden, I too aspired to be big. Many years and some 100 plus pounds later, here is what Zoltan won’t tell you before he grants your wish.
There will be part of your back that you can no longer reach. Itches will seek refuge in these areas.
Crawl spaces and under tables will be off limits.
The muscles that get bigger may not always be the muscles you wanted to get bigger. I spent my childhood sitting on my ass wanting a bigger chest only to have my ass inevitably soak up the bulk of my muscular development.
You will have to buy a new wardrobe.
You will spend more money on food and or more time making more food.
You will use more soap to wash a bigger body.
People will treat you differently, both in ways that agree and disagree with you.
You may grow reluctant to handle small and delicate things; not because you have grown so large that the world becomes a rabbit in your brutish hands but because the deadlifting and pull-ups and bench pressing will make your hands both strong and also tired and perhaps even uncivilized beyond all negotiates outside of clench and release.
If you fall you will break the things that break your fall.
Strength is measured only one way, by how much you can lift and so by lifting you will know how strong you are. The world of gray possibility splits into the achromatic binary of lift and unliftable.
You may lose some grace. Any elegance you once possessed will be flattened under your added weight.
Also you may or may not still see yourself as small or weak. That doesn’t always go away.
Unchanged as it may be; an ornament from a smaller tree will appear smaller when adorning a larger one.
We are all confronted with the simple fact that we all take-up space in this world and you can measure that space in a number of ways; physical space, carbon footprint, emotional impact and legacy, teaspoons, French fries indulged, lovers loved, drinks consumed, breaths expelled or followers collected. Are you going to spend the time in that space reflecting on the perception of the amount of space occupied or simply occupy the space in the hopeful pursuit of joy which if truly verified as joy, is undoubtedly one size fits all?