In the fountain of youth I believe gyms to be, (grossly, this fountain is spurting forth the salty shimmer of expelled effort) nothing ages you more than complaining about phones. And yet, I am going to complain about phones in gyms. I am starting this post at 46 years of age; I may very well accelerate to retirement by its conclusion.
Part 1 On-Hold
In a war between who is more annoying in the gym, the person on the phone or the person complaining about the person on the phone, I declare myself as the dark horse winner. I, and many like me, are the ones often charged with the responsibility of mediating between the two aforementioned competitors. To fully understand the gym dynamic within which smartphones are brandished. Please allow me to add some context.
There are many ways to workout and most gyms accommodate many of these options. There is a quiet etiquette if not explicit policy that corresponds to each option. Cardio machines are exclusively single-person operated and though some gyms may have time limits, it is generally understood that anyone on a cardio machine may very well occupy that machine for a period of time ranging from 5 to 60 minutes or an unspecified time scrutinized only during the busiest hours by the most impatient patrons. Januarys in gyms are good for business and nothing else. The amount of time undoubtedly extended by the use of a smartphone and in collaboration with your gym’s WiFi allows one to binge a distraction as the miles roll onward. Though most of the advancements in cardio machine technology have gone towards getting the user to use the machine’s screen instead of bringing their own, the phones are still winning out resulting in a smaller screen eclipsing the larger one behind it. Please note that it wasn’t long ago that most cardio machines (not treadmills) didn’t even need to be plugged in. The action of using them was enough to power them. As the screens themselves have become more sophisticated touch screen tablets the gym electric bills have been going up, despite said touch screen serving primarily as the altar for the more familiar and personalized touch screen. A not unfamiliar phenomenon I refer to as screen layering. In gyms patrons may run down their phone batteries faster than their legs can carry them.
Strength training on the other hand can be divided in two categories the first of which is circuit training. In circuit training a patron performs one set (collection of unspecified reps ranging from why bother to why are you wasting my time) before moving onto another exercise. This is the system utilized in group exercise and also for selectorized or pin-based strength training. The benefit of circuit training is that it eliminates downtime by removing the need to recover. When going from your lats to your pecs you needn’t worry about the fatigue of either muscle group. The downside is that after a period ranging from 1 to 3 months, your muscles will likely require more persistent stimuli to compel further adaptation. This persistence means more sets which brings us to option two.
The other option is often thought of as traditional strength training or straight sets training. Traditional strength training is defined not necessarily by the intention of building muscle or by the weight, sets or reps levied but by the pattern of alternating intervals of work and rest during the same exercise. Rest periods should be relative to the reps which should be relative to the weight, which should all be relative to the specific ambition of building strength or endurance or the ambivalent gluttony of wanting both. The higher the weight, the fewer reps will be executed and an inverse ratio of time needed to recover before the same attempt can be made again. Rest periods range from 30 seconds to 5 minutes depending on all of the aforementioned factors. Or a time period ranging from whatever to what the fuck.
Taken
Phones are suspect when these two strength training methods clash. Let’s say for example someone who is doing straight sets is on a pin-based leg press machine. There is a very good chance that during their rest periods between sets they will take their phone out of their pocket (if it even ever made it that far) and fill the void between sets with whatever people do or can’t stop doing on their phones. In most cases the quiet use of a phone is unintrusive to others around the user but this is certainly not the case if someone doing traditional strength training is occupying but not technically using the machine that is next in someone else’s circuit training. It is in these circumstances that patience is crushed under the unflinching weight of indignation. This is where someone like me is typically called. You see, I can tell you I don't have money. What I do have are a particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. What are those skills? Aside from lifting Liam Nielsen quotes, my skill is in mediating between someone wanting to lift and someone else only lifting their phone.
Gytiquette
This is perhaps a good time to share some of that gym etiquette I mentioned earlier. The phrase most often uttered by strangers in gyms is not “can you spot me?’ And it is not “where is the calf raise machine?” No, the most common phrase, the linguistic skeleton key for men to talk to other men without alcohol in their cups or sports on their screens is, “ how many sets do you have left?” This is of course not asked out of curiosity for someone else’s regiment but instead indicates the asker’s interest in occupying the space of the occupier. In other words, when are you going to be done so I can do what you are doing. A fair question which usually elicits an honest response but here is where it can get complicated. If not happy with the answer and if the popular machine in question is pin-based, meaning the weight can be easily adjusted with simply use of the pin; than there is always the civilized option of allowing for the shared or more specifically the alternating use of the machine in which whilst one recovers between sets (with or without the aid of a smartphone) someone else can “work-in”. This approach allows for greater fluidity within the gym as a whole and at no time expense for the exercisers. This simple, civilized interaction could even be the beginning of wonderful friendship. What if we strengthened our relationships in the gym instead of just our bodies?
This gym etiquette is however, not a universal language and believe it or not, the addition of a smartphone into the equation can dilute any chance of decorum.
Gaining Time
Time is the heaviest weight / wait. Every second is a crushing new load for us to bear. Or at least that seems to be the sentiment if asked to explain why people collectively lose their shit when compelled to wait to do anything in a gym. Perhaps this is the inflated indignation of the space. I am here to workout because I workout and I need to work in order to work out. There is no way out of the workout without the work and so if I can’t do the work I am trapped in the process awaiting the reward of the destination. A truly uncomfortable place to occupy for those desperately trying to occupy more space. That is to say, bro, you are getting in the way of my gains, so get off your phone.
I must also note that time spent waiting is not the only way in which time inflames the struggle to communicate in the gym. Phones specifically can also be the catalyst for finding the faults and chasms of time that fall between generations. There is no valley greater than that between someone that has lived their entire life during the existence of the smartphone and someone that has not and likely did not even bring theirs with them if they even have one at all. The perception of youth devouring all of the laziness in the world is not a unique perspective and is of course a tradition likely as old as technology itself. If you find yourself regailing no one in particular about the hills stripped of both of their downsides in your youth, then you are now revealing your own age, your own time spent on their planet in reference to the contrasting span of someone younger. I imagine this to be true regardless of whether that younger person has a book, cotton gin, flashlight, calculator or smartphone in their seemingly pristine hands.
Part II Multitasking
For every gum chewer that dares to take their chewing out for a stroll, there are countless other multitaskers missing the mark. One of the most common gym multitasks is the callercise. Callercising is when, despite working out, one decides to take or make a phone call. For some perhaps this offers a distraction while for others it is the self-righteous satisfaction of attempting to convey to those around them and possibly the caller as well that they are so at ease in the gym that they can invite other activities into the mix. Imagine a chef opting to do their taxes while making crème brule. Or perhaps the messaging is simply that their relentless pursuit of fitness does not in any way impede any of the other aspects of their life, of which there are many as evident by the phone call. Please also don’t forget to imagine the aforementioned chef burning the sugar and getting audited.
The reality is that the callerciser is not working hard at anything except trying to let the other gym goers know that they are a busy person. Unfortunately this very busy person is not counting reps while talking and if they were actually moving fast on their elliptical it would likely sound more like a more private phone call on the other end of the line. Regardless of the messaging, the takeaway is they can leave a message. Though exercise can of course be social, phones are not the way to let other people into your workout; in fact I think one of the best parts of working out is how selfish and solitary it can be. Mind you, I do not believe either of those are always bad words. Your body is the only body that gets more fit when you workout. It is the most potent form of self-care there is, unless of course you're literally talking yourself out of it on the phone.
The callerciser, as many do, lifts the ego more than the weight and indulges in the image of a person that is both fit and busy. They are the fruits of the Bachman Turner Overdrive seed planted long ago, through a pop rock song. They are taking care of business. They are an unstoppable force of productivity. What they are producing are half-hearted workouts and performative phone calls, but business nonetheless.
Part III The Desperate Antidote
The most concerning use of phones in gyms is certainly not that they occupy the space between sets but in how they occupy that space. I have seen many impressive squats executed with thoughtful and precise form only to have the squatter melt into a chair with a slouched posture propped up only by the docile gaze affixed to the phone in hand. The prompt and persistent return to this position while not actually exercising explains to anyone watching that the real exercise, the ultimate challenge is in fact being separated from their phone while squatting. To squat or to text, that is the question. A question of course answered by the leg press.
The frequent and repeated return to our phones is a testament to the addictive power of phones but also the pacifying and soothing nature they provide; quelling our fears with the distal fear and anxiety that prompts doom scrolling or the desperate fawning as our eyeballs guzzle pic after pic. As biased and yes certainly old as this sounds, I am far from a luddite as I type this not on typewriter, word processor or even a desktop. No my issue is not with tech but with tech in gyms.
This is because it is not of the gym. Smartphones are for answering work emails on the toilet, texting friends in line waiting to buy toilet paper so you can do more work. The gym on the other hand is or at least can be the escape from everything else in your life that is not about you. Embrace the fleeting selfish moments that are afforded for us. So play some music if you must (headphones or basketball playing d) but save the emails, texts and scrolling for driving, like everyone else.
In closing the phone has changed the sound, etiquette, duration and overall experience of going to the gym. Moving forward I recommend this; I once went to a very high-end gym that had the capital to afford a very clever and insightful amenity, they installed phone chargers in their lockers. A subtle and useful message. Alright, gotta go; time for my next set.